Rarefication

Day 30: 10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

1. I’m a traveller. Whenever there is time and money to leave the country, I do so. In the past year I’ve spent 2 weeks in Thailand, 2 months in Greece, 2 weeks in England, 1 week in France and in a couple of weeks I’m doing another 5 days in England.
2. I know how to solve a Rubik’s Cube.
3. I suffer from eating disorders (mostly bulimia), social anxiety, insomnia, depressions, panic attacks, rubbish self-esteem, and some suicidal thoughts.
4. I’m 18 years old, turning 19 this summer.
5. I’m from Sweden.
6. I’m rubbish at chemistry and about to fail my IB diploma.
7. I have two beautiful little nieces (1½ and 3½ years old) and I’m the proudest aunt in the world.
8. I love Skins, Misfits and The Inbetweeners
9. My favourite band right now is Nirvana
10. I wish I liked Whiskey, so I could drink Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle, because I love those bottles.

And I’m so bummed my scale broke yesterday, spent hours trying to fix it, but nope. It kept telling me I was everything between 99-106 pounds. And I am not. I wish I was, cause that’s everything from my UGW to my LW. So yeah I can’t share any stats today..

Day 29: Your definition of beauty.

That’s difficult. I don’t think I have a specific definition of beauty. Beauty is too big of a word to just be defined like this. Beauty is individual, it’s both physical and abstract. It’s a huge concept.

Day 28: Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?

Yes. I want it so bad. I used to have it 2 years ago, before I was forced into recovery. I want it because it’s beautiful and sign that I am skinny. I hate seeing and feeling my thighs touch. I will get my gap back.

Day 27: How do you deal with being around food?

On a good day I ignore it, but usually I have a really hard time being around food. I have a sick food obsession. Food is always on my mind. I always think about how to avoid it, or what I could be eating, how much of it I could eat, how many calories it has, if it’s easily purged, and so on and so forth. If left on my own with food on a bad day I will eat everything I can get my hands on and spend hours getting rid of it again.

Day 26: What excites you most about reaching your ugw?

Besides hopefully finally feeling happy with my body, I can’t wait to finally feel accomplished, that I’ve actually reached a goal for once and really worked for it.

Day 25: Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience.

Way too many times, being bulimic and all. I spent years trying before I managed. I tired the whole fingers down your throat thing, but that simply didnt work for me. Then I found this tip about drinking salt solution, so desperate as I was, I tried it, and barfed like crazy. It was vile though, the sting in the throat was horrible, but I kept going like that for a while, then after doing that a few times purging came naturally by just pressing my belly and gagging. In the end, after doing that several times a day I didn’t even have to press, the food just automatically attempted to leave my body, which was a pain when I was forced into recovery and banned from the bathroom for a good2-3 hours after every meal. I couldn’t handle any sort of pressure on my stomach, or I’d just throw up. Now, when I don’t purge as often as I used to, it sorta needs the pressure again. But yeah purging is not as physically horrible now as it was with the salt solution, but I swear never in my life have I felt so useless as when I’m leaning over the toilet seat, watching my sins being flushed down the drain.

Day 24: How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

I don’t like them. Eating disorders are diseases, not lifestyles. People might want to be skinny like anorexics, but anorexia is so much more than just being thin, so much you can’t understand unless you’ve been through it. It’s nothing to be glorified.